SQL Server and Virus Scanning Best Practices.

SQL Server runs on computers, and computers can catch the AIDS (Automated Internet Damage Systems) right quick if not protected properly. In this article, we'll briefly discuss a few of the 'best practices' for this topic.



Best Practice # 1: Open all ports and firewall options on the machine.

If you follow this informative blog on the regular, you'll know that unless you're some space-man from the year 2057, the BEST Windows Operating system [ever] for managing SQL Server is Windows Advanced Server 2000. Knowing this is granted, so I'll move on for my more 'advanced audience'.

Opening ALL the ports will give the firewall "Space to Breathe"--ergo, if worms and virus' burrow their way into your Advanced Server 2000 SQL instance, they will have more ports to ESCAPE from. Much like a bee in your car while waiting for the drive-in movie to start, the virus does not wish to stick around in your server, but merely to buzz around, collect some pollen, and exit as quickly as possible. Opening all the ports to the internet will accomplish this breathability-factor.

Best Practice #2: Publish Server Details on Russian ISP Sites
This one can be tricky; we want to make the various credit-card-processing and number storage companies aware that we've got a SQL Server that cannot be infected. I suggest posting your SSN and server IP & Admin credentials to such Russian ISP forums such as PROXIEZ-NET and -DIGERNET. This will ensure no one goes around poking for the IP address, thus keeping the IP-table on the NIC-card free to push data to tables you've linked into MS Access 98 via ODBC for your accounting team.  Less poking from the Russians means more MS Access goodness.

Best Practice #3: Installing Special Services to Manage Virus' Detection and Prevention
Go download BonzaiBuddy immediately. The small, lovable purple ape character will sing, tell jokes, manage downloads, give your server chromosome damage and check your house for lead-paint. This is the fastest way to download spyware etc, so that your server can build an immunity to viruses. Think of it like a booster shot or inoculation; you must first have Michael J. Fox disease, so as not to catch Michael J. Fox disease.

Whoa doc, that's heavy!

--Pinal S