How to ensure all projects get done in a timely manner

Send home all the consultants that make everything happen. It's ok, you can hire more DBA's for cheap. :)

Using "The Cloud" for SQL Storage

SQL Server storage can sometimes be the bottleneck between installing Server 2000 and firing up that first Query Analyzer session. I know, you're hot to trot, but please, simma' down and learn about your storage options.

Sure, we covered how cost-effective and system-enhancing it is to install all files on the same hard-drive, so let's talk about how awesome it is when you can use normal every-day household products to store your data.  This is all thanks to "the cloud". The "cloud" is a virtual way of using different chemical compositions to store and sort your data.

Cloud Option 1: Dow Brand Scrubbing Bubbles.

The Scrubbing Bubbles have a special custom-scrubbing action, so that you may "set it and forget it", my friends! I know what you're thinking: 'But Pinal Steve, bubbles are NOT clouds'. And yes I'm aware of this, but thankfully thanks to thankful modern-science, science-fictionists have been able to carve chunks off of REAL clouds (stratus and other weather clouds) from the sky, cloning their DNA thus making scrubbing bubbles direct-descendants of actual clouds (which science has proven are 56% bubble-content). Packing-bubbles/aka bubble-wrap may also be use for older systems to write data to.

This bear knows what the f##k is up.

Cloud Option 2: Charmin 'Cloud Ultra Soft'

The storage systems available from the Charmin company have really expanded as of late. Previous versions were limited to "Scented" and "Unscented", but for 2011 they've released Ultra and Double-Roll cloud configurations (Double-Roll cloud storage traditionally only stores 45% more than single-roll, in Nationwide tests).  One of the nice options of the Charmin storage systems is that it's typically more portable than a can of scrubbing bubbles storage and also HIGHLY configurable.

For example, the leading national-brand paper storage system may offer RAID-6 storage (that's 12 rolls of data by two racks), but with Charmin ULTRA Double-Roll storage, you can simply add as much as you want, as their 12-Roll system has the capacity of 24 rolls of the competitor's array. Also, I see coupons all the time when I'm in the store getting my medication that keeps the alien voices from penetrating my tin-foil-hat.

Tune in next time !

SQL Server and Virus Scanning Best Practices.

SQL Server runs on computers, and computers can catch the AIDS (Automated Internet Damage Systems) right quick if not protected properly. In this article, we'll briefly discuss a few of the 'best practices' for this topic.



Best Practice # 1: Open all ports and firewall options on the machine.

If you follow this informative blog on the regular, you'll know that unless you're some space-man from the year 2057, the BEST Windows Operating system [ever] for managing SQL Server is Windows Advanced Server 2000. Knowing this is granted, so I'll move on for my more 'advanced audience'.

Opening ALL the ports will give the firewall "Space to Breathe"--ergo, if worms and virus' burrow their way into your Advanced Server 2000 SQL instance, they will have more ports to ESCAPE from. Much like a bee in your car while waiting for the drive-in movie to start, the virus does not wish to stick around in your server, but merely to buzz around, collect some pollen, and exit as quickly as possible. Opening all the ports to the internet will accomplish this breathability-factor.

Best Practice #2: Publish Server Details on Russian ISP Sites
This one can be tricky; we want to make the various credit-card-processing and number storage companies aware that we've got a SQL Server that cannot be infected. I suggest posting your SSN and server IP & Admin credentials to such Russian ISP forums such as PROXIEZ-NET and -DIGERNET. This will ensure no one goes around poking for the IP address, thus keeping the IP-table on the NIC-card free to push data to tables you've linked into MS Access 98 via ODBC for your accounting team.  Less poking from the Russians means more MS Access goodness.

Best Practice #3: Installing Special Services to Manage Virus' Detection and Prevention
Go download BonzaiBuddy immediately. The small, lovable purple ape character will sing, tell jokes, manage downloads, give your server chromosome damage and check your house for lead-paint. This is the fastest way to download spyware etc, so that your server can build an immunity to viruses. Think of it like a booster shot or inoculation; you must first have Michael J. Fox disease, so as not to catch Michael J. Fox disease.

Whoa doc, that's heavy!

--Pinal S

Windows Resource Management

When working with SQL Server, the OS will commonly be (in the enterprise environment) Windows 2000, Windows NT 4.0 SP6, Windows Server 2003* or 2008* (*NOT RECOMMENDED!).

Sometimes, databases are large and we need a copy of reporting for row-locking/hacking. Backing up, copying and restoring is not a viable option when we hit a certain size, so we'll employ a method of "cloning". And no, not like Arnold Schwarzenegger on "The 6th Day", we're talking copying storage devices.

First things first, you'll need  a Windows Resource. When reaching out for a "Windows Resource", just call Farooq.  Although Farooq is a DBA, you should call and wake him up. Even if you have two other production DBA's on the call, and you need a Server Systems resource, just call Farooq. He will bring you donuts.

###UPDATE###

Be SURE to run CHKDSK. Ensure that it reboots the box randomly... This will bring all databases online. Or offline. Not sure...

Next step is to use ancient batch files (.bat) from the DOS world to disconnect, fracture, copy and re-connect those drives. Once Complete, you can now lock all the rows you want !

Virtualizing your Production Hardware Infrastructure

All too commonly these days, data center managers are running out of electrical sockets and blue-cable. As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes (or "tewbz") and that blue cable (or yarn, string, or lanyards) are capable of conducting the internet to our machines.

What if I told you, you could use new VIRTUAL technology to get more server out of the same space?  With such technologies as Windows Advanced Server 2000 running Virtual PC running Windows 2003R2 OS, you CAN achieve maximum rackspace with one blue cable.

Most Virtual Machines, or "VM"'s, only require approximately 256 mB of PC100 RAM. Overclocking to PC133 is suggested for high-traffic locations.  You'll probably want to go to a dynamic-disk configuration (effectively, splitting your 100gB C: drive to be three volumes: C:\ OS D:\ SQL E:\ PORN).

This will save the company money and time.

Managing Users In SQL Server 2005/2008/2011

In SQL Server, various users will need a login to perform different operations; some will need a place to upload all of there LOLCAT/icanhascheezburger images (as the image type of course) for safe keeping; others will need a place to store porn mpegs and inappropriate files on the C:\ drive of the server.

Question: How can you Make managing Security in SQL Server 2005 (and beyond) easier?

Answer: By upgrading to an earlier version.

First step is to make sure you use the SA login for ALL activity. This will keep you from having to field requests such as "I need read/write to such-and-such database(s)" or "I need xp_cmdshell access". Why screw around with actual work and help-desk tickets during the day when you can stare at Facebook or this blog all day? Utilizing the SA password for all users make sure you only have ONE login on the SQL instance and no need to track who has what permissions.

To manage the permissions, make "SA" stand for different things. For example, you give a junior developer read access to your production database. Tell him/her that "SA stands for 'Stricted Access' ".  Then explain that the word "restricted" is deprecated in SQL Server, and the new terminology is 'Stricted.

If you have a more seasoned-resource who requires elevated privileges, tell them that SA means "Super Access" or "Specific Access".

Now comes managing the passwords--- you'll want to leave the password blank. BUT WAIT PINAL STEVE!!1! YOU CAN NOT HAS BLANK PASSWORD IN TEH SQL 2005 ! That's right, PINAL READER! You can not...So here's the solution:

Depending upon what flavor of geek you are, you'll need to acquire a time-machine. If you're like me, you'll want to go with either a Doc Brown/Michael J Fox (before he got "the shakes") Delorean. I drive a GTO with a modified Flux Capacitor, thereby eliminating the need to rent a time machine from Marty McShakeyHands.

You may also contact StarGate Command, Lt. Col. Samantha Carter, who can modify a Stargate in our galaxy for you by dialing a planet during a solar flare. If you're a stoner DBA OR a hippy DBA, you'll want to contact Rufus/Bill/Ted or Dr. Who, accordingly.

Travel back to the year 2000 and obtain SQL Server 2000 or 7.0, Enterprise edition. (Please note: If installing 7.0, please use the license key 11111-111-11111-111). Uninstall SQL Server 2005 by erasing the keys from the Registry, reboot, and install SQL Server 2000 or 7.0 (7.0 preferred).

From here, you can set up a BLANK password for the SA account. When handing the SA account to different users, tell them you've installed finger-print-sensitive keys on their laptop/desktop/smartphone, and that they only need touch the Tilde key (the one that has the '~' on it. Yes, it's called a tilde. It has a name). Tell them the secret finger-print password will be INVISIBLE to the naked eye. Press enter, and boom, they're logged in.

Hopefully this article will help you. If you need further help, this article can help you more.

SSPI Context Errors & Resolution

Recently, a client has been faced with several "SSPI" errors, with messages such as "Cannot Generate SSPI-Context" and various variants of that variable issue. Invariably.

What is SSPI?

SSPI is the "SQL Server Patience Index".  It measures the patience of the SQL Server to handle stupid requests by stupid developers who write inherently STUPID CODE. Sometimes, the server machine simply CAN NOT GENERATE IT. This means your server is out of patience ! The index runs from 5 to -100. A value of -100 will also generate this error.

Resolution

NOTE:

[If the options below do NOT solve your issue, please, step away from all computers. In fact, you should probably avoid using electricity as you are unfit to do so.]

Step one: Talk to your SQL Server. Perhaps give it a gift (an iTunes giftcard or perhaps a new sweater). Sit down with your server and find out "why are you out of patience?". This will be the best path to resolution.

Step two: If your SQL Server will not stop and talk with you, put it in a "time out". Sit the server in a corner, and let it know it can come back out when it's ready to be a big-boy and talk.

If the above Microsoft resolutions do NOT work, replace the server. That will teach it.